Six months after our first meeting, I struggled to get to know my son. Honestly, babies are really creepy until they can smile, and then only slightly less creepy. I assumed he was the mother's responsibility until I could put him to work doing something. He was on the three-hour milk rotation and there was little I could do to help him with that. So, what's a father to do?
I did little with my son for the first two months and I missed out. The mother-in-law was there and I thought...uhh, I'll just let the girls deal with the baby stuff. I pitched in with dishes and such, but felt little responsibility to care for this seven-pound person. I avoided every baby book or blog. I read nothing on parenting or babies and I could not figure out the aversion. Baby books made me sick to my stomach and I had no idea why. Retrospect is 20/20 and I was suffering from daddy anxiety. I was scared of the massive change that had just taken place–I was uncomfortable as a father. All the talk about how "it will all make sense as soon as the doctor puts the little one in you arms" was a myth. It's really hard to love someone you don't know and it takes time to get to know a baby. I was not his favorite person. Not having breasts made my parenting very different from hers. I was at a loss.
All those baby books were written for mothers. I felt like I was reading someone else's mail. Those first six months were not easy–they were hard and confusing. But, little by little I learned little things that made the little guy adore me and I him. I would tickle him and he would laugh, then I would laugh, and he would laugh again. We began to bond like father and son. Still, another bond was also happening, a new obligation and bigger love, that of a father to his family. I saw her responsibility for him and my responsibility for them develop. It was a new affection, a new level of manliness.
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